Lying Next to Someone and Feeling Alone

Ever since we got home from Puerto Rico, I’ve felt completely disconnected from him. The last night we were there, I put on lingerie, hoping for some intimacy, but he never touched me, cuddled me, or showed any affection. Then we came home, and Monday and Tuesday were the same—lying in bed together with no touch, no closeness, nothing.

By Wednesday, I was feeling so lonely that when he asked me a question, I told him I was touching myself. Only then did he start touching me, and we ended up having sex. That was the first time since Sunday, and it only happened because I initiated it in some way. Not once had he tried to touch me or show interest before that. Then we had sex again Friday morning, but both times felt different. There was no kissing, no intimacy, no connection. It felt rushed and mechanical. What hurts is that we had such an amazing connection while we were on vacation, and then as soon as we got home, it felt like it disappeared.

This morning, I couldn't sleep and got out of bed. Then he made a comment about how I didn't touch him. The thing is, I used to spend weekend mornings rubbing his back or trying to be affectionate while we lay in bed. He would just lie there with his eyes closed, not responding, not touching me back, and acting like he was asleep. Eventually I stopped because I felt rejected. Later he would tell me he was awake the whole time, but how was I supposed to know that when he gave me nothing in return?

Somehow it always ends up being my fault. He wanted sex this morning and was upset when it didn't happen, yet he tells me everything is always about me. The reality is that nothing this week has been about me. I haven't complained. I haven't brought up how hurt I am. I've stayed quiet because it feels easier than expressing my feelings and having them dismissed, ignored, or turned back around on me.

What hurts the most is that I put so much effort into making him happy. I think about his feelings every day. I think about what I can do for him, how I can support him, and how I can make his life easier or better. I go out of my way to show him love, yet it never seems to be enough. Meanwhile, I don't feel like the same thought or effort is given to me.

I keep asking myself what that says about me. Am I foolish for continuing to try so hard? Am I simply that in love with him? I don't know. What I do know is that it hurts to constantly give so much of yourself and still feel unseen, unappreciated, and unloved. I just want to feel valued by someone I care so deeply about.

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