The words I can't forget

 How do you move forward after hearing the person you love most tell you they hate you and that your marriage is over?

A few days before our wedding anniversary, my husband and I had an explosive fight. In the middle of it, he told me he hated me and that we were done. I know he was angry. I know he was hurting too. I know people say things they don't mean when emotions take over. But knowing that doesn't erase the pain those words caused.

I don't want to leave him. I love him more than anything in this world. I believe people make mistakes. I believe marriages go through hard times. I believe in forgiveness. What I don't know is how to get past the hurt.

How do I look at him the same way I did before? How do I feel safe in his arms again? How do I stop hearing those words over and over in my head?

I don't want to punish him. I don't want to hold this over his head. I don't want to stay angry. I don't even want to be hurt anymore. I just don't know how to make the hurt disappear.

Before this fight, I was happier than I had been in a long time. I had been secretly planning our anniversary for weeks. I wanted to recreate some of the feelings I missed on our wedding day because everything went by so fast. Our wedding night didn't turn out the way I had hoped either—we ended up fighting instead of celebrating.

So I planned a do-over.

I was going to transform our dining room into our sweetheart table from the wedding. I saved all of our wedding decorations. I contacted the venue and arranged for them to make our favorite meal from our reception. I created the same playlist that played during dinner at our wedding. I wrote a speech for him—new vows, really—telling him how much I love him and how grateful I am for our life together.

After dinner, I imagined us dancing to our wedding song and then watching our wedding video together. I had been saving it for this exact night.

I was excited. I was giddy. I was counting down the days.

Then three days before our anniversary, everything blew up.

Now all of those feelings are gone.

I can still decorate the room. I can still serve the dinner. I can still play the music and watch the video. But the emotions I had when I planned all of it—the excitement, the anticipation, the joy—feel like they've disappeared.

I wish they hadn't.

Right now, I honestly feel numb.

That's the part I don't know how to explain. I can forgive him. I can tell him I love him. I can hug him, kiss him, and try to move forward. But forgiveness doesn't automatically erase pain. It doesn't make my heart feel the way it did before. It doesn't flip a switch and bring back the excitement that was there two days ago.

My body feels shut down. Closed off. Numb.

And I hate it.

I've worked so hard over the years to heal from things that made me feel this way. I fought to become someone who could trust, love deeply, and feel safe again. Now it feels like all those walls I spent years tearing down went right back up overnight.

We leave for our anniversary trip in six days. This trip was supposed to be about reconnecting, growing closer, and falling even more in love. It was supposed to be something I couldn't wait for.

Now I don't know how to feel.

I want what we had before this fight. I want the excitement back. I want the happiness back. I want to feel hopeful again. More than anything, I want my heart to stop hurting.

I know there isn't a right or wrong answer. I know relationships are complicated. I know we're both human.

But right now, it feels like someone reached inside my chest and took all the joy out of something I had been looking forward to for months.

And I don't know how to get it back.

I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be distant. I don't want to be hurt.

I just want to feel like myself again.