When a Child Wants to Be Chosen

My son has brought up several times that he would like my husband to adopt him. The first time he mentioned it, my husband and I were still early in our relationship, so I told my son that it was something we could talk about later. Now we are married and have celebrated our first anniversary, and out of nowhere, my son brought it up again last week. Once again, I told him we would talk about it later.

The truth is, I keep putting the conversation off because I don't know how my husband feels about it. When I mentioned it to him to see what he would say, he didn't really respond. That silence has left me wondering.

You see videos of children asking their stepparents or foster parents to adopt them, and there are tears, hugs, and immediate excitement. I don't expect some grand emotional reaction from my husband, but this feels like a big deal—especially for my son. His biological father has wanted nothing to do with him since I was pregnant. He has spent his entire life without a dad, and I think a part of him has always carried that emptiness.

I understand him because I think we are a lot alike. We both want to feel like we belong somewhere. We want to know that we are loved, chosen, and wanted. I think my son believes that being adopted would give him that sense of security—that confirmation that he is loved, that he is part of a family, and that he is complete.

But I don't know how I'm supposed to feel when the subject comes up and there is no response. If my husband wanted to adopt him, wouldn't he have said, "Of course I would," or at least wanted to talk more about it when I brought it up? Maybe that's not fair of me to assume, but it's where my mind goes.

My boys have always wanted a father in their lives. My oldest used to beg me to find a husband so he could have a dad. He was only six years old when he started saying those things. It used to break my heart because I couldn't give them something they wanted so badly. I wanted someone who would love not only me, but them too.

Then I met my husband. He loves my children, and my children love him. Yet sometimes it still feels like something is missing. I know he cares about them, but is it the same kind of love I have for them? The kind of love that would do anything for them. The kind of love that would sacrifice everything for them. The kind of love that says, "You are mine, no matter what."

Maybe that's an unfair comparison because no one can love our children exactly the way we do as parents. But it still leaves me wondering.

If my husband doesn't want to adopt my children, that is his choice, and I would never force that on him. Love cannot be forced, and neither can commitment. What I need, though, is honesty. If adoption is not something he wants, I need him to tell me. Not because I would be angry, and not because I would blame him. I wouldn't. But my son deserves an answer, and I need to know how to have that conversation with him.

At the end of the day, all I have ever wanted for my children is what I want for myself—to be loved, to feel safe, and to know they matter. Those things seem so simple, but I believe they are the foundation of happiness. More than anything, I want my boys to know they are worthy of love and that they belong, whether or not a piece of paper ever makes it official.